On Wisdom in Matters of the Heart

“What blows on my face often has my name on it,” said the pastor just this Sunday’s service at Word for the World, Makati. And he was right. Most of the time, we, ourselves, are the causes of our own problems, our sufferings.

Recently, a guy friend shared to me that he got turned down by a girl. Sure, that was unfortunate, and I would have sympathized with him deeply, but after telling me the story, I didn’t know what to feel anymore. I understood the girl’s decision and I couldn’t seem to get what went on this friend’s mind (Sorry, friend, if you ever get to read this. Yikes).

The story went as simple as this: The two got to know each other well in March. They went on a date once where he told her he likes her, but after two weeks, the girl flew to Dubai (I guess it’s safe to assume it’s for work). He continued wooing her but the girl stopped him saying she doesn’t want to be distracted.

Seemed like the girl’s a little harsh, right? How dare her not give my friend the chance to prove himself to her?! Who does she think she is?! Err… Not really. ‘Cause here’s the thing: He knew right from the start that she’d be leaving but he still decided to court her. BOOM. So who’s at fault now? And I think the girl was just being polite when she agreed to go on a date with him.

Of course, I am a friend to my friend so although he didn’t ask for any advices, I tried to point out to him his area of mistake–‘cause it bit me like a snake upon reading the story on chat, and it should bite him, too—and with a lot of smileys so as not to be hard on him.

What was the error? He lacked Wisdom. I knew I was right when he said he didn’t get it so I produced a 411-word explanation for him.

I told him I think he loses wisdom when he falls in love. He’d been devastated by love twice and in a span of 3-4 months and it was because of no one but himself. And I think that’s something serious.

The first has a boyfriend. Oh, yes, you read that right. They met when he visited his province, got her number with the help of one of his sisters, and exchanged SMS for a few months until he fell for her. When he came back to the province, he told her he liked her only to be indirectly rejected with the words, “You may have to wait long,” in which he responded, “I’ll wait.”

Oh, did I mention that all along she already has a boyfriend and he perfectly knows about it? When he told me the story, I got pissed off immediately so I was reluctant to help him. Still, I kept my cool and I said, “Sometimes, girls don’t say things directly. You have to read between the lines.” And he was asking for an advice for a very obvious baloney (I’m sorry for the term): “What am I going to do, the girl I like has a boyfriend?” He said it was complicated and the girl’s words made it hard for him because by then he didn’t know if he’d just let go and look for another girl or just really wait. Complicated? I wanted to uncomplicate things for him then by smashing the table on him. BAM!

Photo grabbed from http://www.memecenter.com

Photo grabbed from http://www.memecenter.com

And the worst part there was I could see him in pieces while being in a state of limbo. He is the kind who can look straight in the eyes of the person he’s talking to, but during the time I was reprimanding him, he was reduced into someone who busied his hands fumbling nothing and kept his gaze on the table while trying to answer my questions the whole time. He was like a kid I was scolding for breaking the vase. But since he isn’t a child anymore, the scene was both sad and irksome.

Then there came a new girl after three months. I think she turned him down because she could already see that it won’t work, apart from the part that she said she didn’t want any distractions. And well, honestly, it was obvious she was not into him.

I have a friend who has a very successful long-distance relationship, but that’s rare, most of the time, its survival rate isn’t exactly okay, so what more the long-distance courtship that doesn’t have any foundation yet? I think the girl has wisdom and I admire her for that. She didn’t want the two of them to waste time anymore for something that’s bound to die down sooner or later.

But then one may say taking risks is important and we may be missing a lot in life if we don’t get out of our comfort zone (Oh, I’m so boring!). But the thing is, in this recent situation that my friend was in, it was quite obvious that he was gearing toward disaster lane. It was like insisting on stepping forward when it was crystal clear that it was the edge of the cliff right in front of him. I don’t know, but with my friend’s short story, I felt for the girl. In fact, I would have done the same if I was in her position.

If my friend let his wisdom work, she didn’t have to turn him down and he didn’t have to be rejected. So now, she’s tagged the heartbreaker and he’s the person with the bleeding heart (Oh, so now I’m slowly getting unsure if he really likes her!). And again, that was the obvious outcome right from the start. But she could move on easily, big time, and since my friend was the one that got rejected, he is having the rough time. Why? Because rejection bites and viciously gnaws on one’s pride. So who dug his own grave?

My unsolicited advice to him was to work on his wisdom. He should make wise decisions especially when it comes to love and avoid rushing into it like it’s some limited edition collectible. It’s wiser to sit down first and mull over it. Especially with him, ‘cause he’s supposed to be analytical and he’s proud of it, but he lets his heart govern himself when in love. Mind shouldn’t be set aside at all cost no matter how hard it is when it comes to love. It’s important and it can help him heaps.

And I hope he won’t let what I said above about getting devastated by love in a span of 3-4 months be his norm. He’s turning into an embarrassment. We weren’t born for constant suffering but for happiness.

Lastly, I told him that love isn’t supposed to make life complicated, it should simplify it. So he should stop looking for love that could turn his world upside down in a very messy way.

I sent the lengthy explanation to him, got a “Wow” as a first response (prolly because it’s long), and then “Well said! Hehe.” as the second. I simply scratched my head as I understood that he doesn’t have any plans on taking my advice. But oh well, it’s his choice, at least I was able to tell him what I think about his decisions in love. 🙂 Besides, it’s better to tell it to him first before putting it on this blog. LOL.

P.S. I would like thank Ramon Baustista’s Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo? for a wonderful insight about the mind, heart, and “bird” as the decision-making bodies of people, Pastor Raymund of Word for the World for teaching about wisdom, insight, and understanding, one meaningful Sunday service, Kuya Kevin’s Basta Lovelife for telling about the importance of wise decision-making in love, and of course, my little experience in love which made me seek friends’ and self-help books’ advices about it, take them to the heart, all of which somehow made me wiser and stronger. hehe

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Lovin’ the Right Way with Kuya Kevin’s Book

Basta Lovelife (Kuya Kevin)

My closest friends have found my battered heart on the ground some time ago. And while most of them showed support and gave me honest opinions and advices about it, my college buddy coupled hers with a book called Basta Lovelife: Making Wise Relationship Decisions by Kuya Kevin, an American pastor/minister and blogger living in the Philippines for a decade now.

It just got buried on my pile of unread books, though, ’cause I was too busy both with adjusting to my new work and with helping myself stand up again. And besides, there’s that term “lovelife” on the title, and I didn’t need it then.

But now that time is swiftly turning the pages of my life’s book to my 25th birthday, and I’m starting to wonder if I was born for single blessedness or married life/committed doublehood, I remembered it, and so I dug my dusty pile, read it, and enjoyed the pieces of information I got from it.

Basta Lovelife answers relationship questions about love (like the right age to be in a relationship, dealing with rejection, same-sex relationships, etc.) and sex from a Christian’s perspective and with pieces of evidence from the Bible to support the ideas. Its aim is to help young Filipinos make wise relationship decisions.

When it comes to sex, those addicted to a premarital one may not like it because the book has a strong conviction about sexual purity. Kuya Kevin discusses why one should keep their virginity until the day they get married by comparing  purity and impurity with fresh water from a water dispenser and contaminated one from a freshly painted curb, and asks which one would people drink. He also tells sex is the highest form of intimacy and that each time people engage with it, they give a piece of themselves to each sexual partner, so just imagine what’s left to offer to their future spouse if they do it outside marriage. Sex even loses it true meaning in the process.

Likewise, the book may also receive a couple of eyebrow-raising from the close-minded people because it discusses the double standard in males and females. They say that men, unlike women, don’t lose anything in premarital sex. But the Bible, through Kuya Kevin’s simple explanation, says it is untrue. Men lose too; they lose self-control, intimacy, themselves, safety, and security. Men’s sex drive is also explained in the book to make it clear if it’s a blessing or a curse.

The book isn’t just being conservative. As Kuya Kevin says in the book, “I base my beliefs on biblical commandments and principles.” So if the Bible has no clear stand on a certain act, like kissing and masturbation, he doesn’t say no to it although he also explains the potential consequences of such. And he didn’t condemn anyone who has made the mistake of having premarital sex in the past. God, after all, forgives, as long as one will be committed to change.

Potential detractors’ reactions aside, Basta Lovelife is a must-read for people seeking a more fruitful relationship in the future, the book is after all made for them. If you want to be enlightened, too, about its subject and others that surround it, this book is recommended to be added on your book list. Its 161 pages sure have a lot to teach you.

 

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I got a shocking question from a guy friend a few weeks before reading this book: What’s your opinion about sex? It was shocking because it was the first time I got such query (He even added: I can ask anything, right?and yes, he could, I guess, since I indirectly agreed to have that Q&A session with him. But still…), so I didn’t know which part of sex I should talk about, how to start with my answer, and it was awkward for me speak about it alone with a guy.

It took me maybe about a minute to compose myself before I finally said something like: I’m open-minded about it and I can talk about it with people. I don’t even have a problem saying sexual words like penis, vagina, and sex, unlike most people who bleep them, since I don’t find anything wrong with them. I surprisingly know a lot about sex as compared to what my personality would suggest, so I can talk about sex in an educational way–although I haven’t done it yet, mind you–and laugh wild with people dropping green jokes all the time. But I won’t do it. (I just find it fulfilling to be knowledgeable about any stuff foreign to me, but no applications, please. It’s way too early for that.)

The texts on the photo sum up my stand on premarital sex.

The texts on the photo sum up my stand on premarital sex.

Later on, I started questioning myself with my answer, thinking maybe I was way too conservative that I’m now missing a lot in my life. But as I read Basta Lovelife, I began feeling proud of myself and my beliefs and I decided to hold on to them tighter ’cause I know that I’m on the right track. The book is now a favorite. 🙂

Visit Kuya Kevin’s blog at: kuyakevin.blogspot.com

 

Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.

–William Penn